♫ Quixotic World ♪

Deep Thoughts


Humm~ it's been a while I haven't write down anything.. There's nothing to worry about since no one will read,, RIGHT..??
The whole assignments, meetings, events, and so on are always driving me insane.. LMAO.. 
Actually it's not that bad cuz I get a bunch of priceless values afterall.. I do feel the benefits and I love the organization.. The most relaxing moments are when I sing or play guitar and -finally- be able to hibernate.. :p

There's no such a fuss lately.. Everything's fine and my fam is just blessed as usual.. To be honest, I miss my dad so bad.. There's a lot in my head that I really wanna ask him about.. I can't stop thinking how fool I was cuz I didn't make use of my time well.. That's all.. My regret will never cease.. So I don't want to let my mom down.. I'm trying my best to accept her just the way she is and I'll do my best to make her proud of me..


Anyway.. Recently I feel that I don't belong to anything in this very world.. My plain day runs like it always is.. As a student, sure I wanna outshine at class and actually I have. But sometimes I feel like I don't give a chance to the others to learn.. I don't know whether it's just my feelings or what.. The fact is, most of the times they just can't answer some question that actually I understand.. It makes me look so selfish y'know..? I don't wanna be considered that way..! Just outshine is okay, but if it turns out like I'm the damn parasite.....ugh.. Don't wanna think about it either.. My question are; What do you think if you're in my position..?? Is it wrong if you just normally answer any question that you know about..? To be honest, I don't feel such a rivalry in my college year compared with my high school years.. I DO feel the differences.. I'm not saying about the better one or the opposite..! It's just I don't feel that I have 'companion' at class.. Cuz honestly I can read that some of them feel so uneasy -sometimes- towards me.. Hey guys, we're just the same.. Don't be so uneasy.. It makes me hard to react..and the distance can be deeper.. Oh please help.. (T^T)


When it comes to lovelife, I don't give a damn to those stalkers..! Geez, how I want to feel secure at campus..! "Let me tell ya that I am NOT a fool coz I know exactly what you did behind me EVERYDAY..!!" Please, don't try to match me..coz it looks so FAKE.. Don't push yourself too hard to be the kind I look like or I want..cuz I won't be impressed at all.. Don't waste your time to a girl like me.. You better off stop right now.. YOU hear that..??!!! *sigh* I know it sounds so harsh,, but it's just the way things are.. I don't wanna play about this matter.. The previous thing I've got is a huge scar inside my heart and I was the one to blame.. I do want to have a partner who is meant to be just for me just like the others.. In my deepest thoughts, it's clear enough for me that a hollow inside my heart still remains.. Having a crush on someone is just a part of life cycle, but the true part of having a partner is still a BIG question mark in my head.. It feels like a fissure in my heart.. :(

I know I think too much about things.. Why do I have to bother in the first place..?? Dammit. I can't read my own thoughts.. I just keep everything bottled up inside but actually it's spinning round and round in my head.. Feels like I'm exceeding my real age.. Getting old..? LOL.. :p


The most important thing is about You, God.. I don't want to let You down.. Let my every single step speaks Your name.. I don't want to feel that kind of distance before this Easter.. I'd been reminded by the scripture I got "Psalms 3 : 3".. This personal matter sometimes brags my mind.. How can I'm sure enough that God always has something to do beyond every little thing.. Please let me know if hope does exist, God.. :'( Because You completely know that I'm the one who always doubt about my thoughts and feel sort of self-pity, don't You..?