I just turned 19 few days ago.. This year's birthday was ummm...unremarkable for me.. honestly...
Like I said before, I have a lot of thoughts rumbling inside my head.. And I ended up become reluctant to think about everything.. Coz I think everything is worthless for me.. Yep. I undergo this kind of sickness again.. *sigh*
But come to think of it, it's not about I don't WANT to think about my life but I don't want to talk much.. I'm done with myself.. After distressed by that egotistical freak, I had reached the condition of being sick listening to all the bullshitting the world.. And the result is I got such an "immunity" to survive in listening to the whole bullshits.. hahaha.. Sounds weird but it's true.. When I found out BS tickling my ears, my head would answer "The hell with it all...!!" But.. I have my own promise to listening to other people stories which contain no bullshits.. BS here I mean something 'smells' cocky and non sense.. Well hello..now it's our time to get real..! Get a life..! I want and I need something real.. Imagination and obsession are good to build our determination to achieve something.. But owh come on... It should be sensible right..?! That's why I was so SICK up to my very last limit on my tolerance with that egotistical freak.. Each person has his/ her own way to adore something or someone..But I'm sure it has something to indulge ourselves in various of ways.. Whether it is in music, arts, creativity expression and so on.. One thing obviously, indulging ourselves doesn't mean that we get a stigma or a label called "FREAK" above or heads as the result.. If sticking with her just made me lose a quality time with my friends and made me lose my mind too, I would rather leave her 'wonderful' world (according to her).. If I have to say yes to everything YES according to her, I would rather get a label stubborn from her and say it out loud NOOOOOOOO~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!That would be a relief..a huge revolution to myself.. I was too naive when I kept complaining but didn't say it straight up to her face about how irritating this kind of situation is.. I know, I had been wearing bullshit that so proud of it but actually I'm just a pain in the ass for everyone's life..
Facing this fact in my life (in most of the aspects of mine), brought me to the will to learn more about this life.. Yep.. I bring my mouth silence but my eyes wide-opened, my ears sharpness, and my mind clever to observe everything surrounds me.. I'll let my mouth shut when my friends talk and open it when I think I need to say an encouraging feedback..otherwise, I'm gonna just keep it shut. I'm gonna use my voice to sing not to bullshit around..
Now it's my time to step forward.. The last period of being a teenager.. My first step to enter the 'world'.. I don't know it will be a hell or heaven.. But I have a faith for Jesus who always calms my stormy heart.. I wanna end my tough journey to figure out myself.. Live to the fullest..
today is actually not really good or bad for me personally.. Especially the whole family & I were at the Grand Penang restaurant.. It (should be) fun..
What bothers my mind the most..is my mom.. As you can see,,she the only one in this very world that I have.. I care a great deal of her indeed.. It all started when I knew that I'm not better or even equal to my brother in her eyes.. Last month,,when my bro knew his identity,, I think I could understand everything.. Since he didn't seem to mess with me recently.. I think..it should be fine..
But..everything's clear to me when mum said that she didn't MUCH happy when I came into this world. My heart broke into pieces.. I was like nothing but a trash.. She and her acts toward me revealed my hazy mind.. The way she objected my idea.. The way she yelled at me.. The way she treats me.. I'm the only burden in her life..
I knew I'm not that honorable son..
I knew I'm not a depandaple son..
I knew I didn't express my feelings as smoothly as him..
I knew,,mom.. You don't have to tell me that every single day..
I just want you to accept me.. I'm your real child.. I don't ask you to love me more than him.. I just want you to know that I'm timid.. The outcome is always different with my mind.. I love you all my life.. I don't want you to leave me.. I don't want to be alone.. Why do you always put my world instead of him..? I have a life too..
Don't you know how painful it is when you said that I really am your burden..? What do you expect from this pathetic idiot,, mom..?
I wanna disappear..
Whatever she is..she's my mom.. I'll love her forever.. Though I don't know how to show,, I knew deep inside she knows that I love her..
God.. I'm tired of myself.. I'd better shut my ears than listen to those words.. I don't know what You're expecting either, God..
I don't deserve to own this life..
I'm sorry for letting everyone down.. Forgive me of my rotten heart.. Have mercy,, My Lord..
humm.. Honestly,, I don't feel too much excited this year.. I dunno either.. Recently,,everything's coming all around in my head..
Whether it's about mum or love.. Geez.. Though I achieved 3.86 for my first GPA,, I don't feel much spirited or even on fire about all things.. Huaaaaaa~ What the heck is happening to meeee..??
Anyways..
Yesterday was quite good cuz my big family were (finally) together.. It's rare y'know..! But still..I could never let go of one thing.. DISTANCE.. Yep.. There REALLY is a great distance among us.. I'm happy to know that each of us is doing well.. But I' d rather keep silent and watch.. I talked when I thought I need to.. I observed and then I knew that there's uneasy thing which is called money, devides us into several parts.. There are pride,, high expectations,, ambition,, passion,, temptations,, and many more..
I was losing ground.. I ain't teenager but also not an adult yet.. Some of them were talking about career,, marriage,, old-school engagement,, kids,, gadgets,, and so on...
I think.. I knew why I couldn't be even merry in this 'should-and-absolutely-merry' event...
And I think... you've already known why I feel this way.....
