“It's okay. Take it easy!”;

“Don’t sweat it!”;

"It’s not a big deal!”

Those words probably can encourage someone when they are in trouble. But, how about yourselves? Can you convince yourself that you're okay? Can you believe that what you face is not a big deal? Well, those cheer-up phrases  sounds like a complete non-sense if you ARE in discouragement.

When you feel like everything is screw up, everybody isn't on your side, or you want to soon get over with this world (*gasp*), one thing that comes in your mind is "Life is sucks". But hey, don't you know that you have something else to show? Life is simple, but it's not easy.

We are not kids anymore, though we aren't adults yet, we should act maturely to face every single matters in our lives. It's okay to be angry, it's absolutely okay to shed a tear, but the most important thing is about your action towards the problem. Running away lasts temporarily, in fact, the problem is getting bigger and bigger. As grown-up people, spare your time to think about your life and all that matters. Choose to remain silent for a moment. Let the others keep going, let them get through the routines, just like nothing happens, bit be careful..! Don't let yourselves drown in blissful ignorance. That's a very common thing that people do when they feel pessimist about this world. Face everything with a big heart.. Get to know yourselves and others well.. Problems are the substance of life.. You're made up to face them and you're grown because of it.

 Actually, I don't have any rights to say such a thing.. I ain't expert or counselor and sometimes I want to screw myself up. From what I've been through, it's true that problems are damn irritating, but if we take a look from the other side, when we could face them with a big heart and careful thinking, indeed we can just laugh at them in the end. Think about the very first cause of your problem. The best choice is try to be modest, it's not always about win or lose on something, but about the result you will get for yourself, right. Doesn't matter about what other people thinking. If they humiliate you because of your problem, it means they just don't have any guts to challenge you. In a short term, they're just jealous  because you're shining enough to look so mature over those problems. 



In the end, be sure to face everything based on your ages and wisely. Everybody wants to feel bubbles of happiness, right..? :) Start to think positively.. At least say "Thank You" on the moment you open your eyes in the morning and at late night.. Believe it or not, gratitude may boost your "happy feeling" and I'm pretty sure you've already felt this way before. Hohoho.. When you can convince yourselves with every positive things, absolutely there's no doubt you can be on utter bliss and face the days with wide smiles~ :D

Deep Thoughts


Humm~ it's been a while I haven't write down anything.. There's nothing to worry about since no one will read,, RIGHT..??
The whole assignments, meetings, events, and so on are always driving me insane.. LMAO.. 
Actually it's not that bad cuz I get a bunch of priceless values afterall.. I do feel the benefits and I love the organization.. The most relaxing moments are when I sing or play guitar and -finally- be able to hibernate.. :p

There's no such a fuss lately.. Everything's fine and my fam is just blessed as usual.. To be honest, I miss my dad so bad.. There's a lot in my head that I really wanna ask him about.. I can't stop thinking how fool I was cuz I didn't make use of my time well.. That's all.. My regret will never cease.. So I don't want to let my mom down.. I'm trying my best to accept her just the way she is and I'll do my best to make her proud of me..


Anyway.. Recently I feel that I don't belong to anything in this very world.. My plain day runs like it always is.. As a student, sure I wanna outshine at class and actually I have. But sometimes I feel like I don't give a chance to the others to learn.. I don't know whether it's just my feelings or what.. The fact is, most of the times they just can't answer some question that actually I understand.. It makes me look so selfish y'know..? I don't wanna be considered that way..! Just outshine is okay, but if it turns out like I'm the damn parasite.....ugh.. Don't wanna think about it either.. My question are; What do you think if you're in my position..?? Is it wrong if you just normally answer any question that you know about..? To be honest, I don't feel such a rivalry in my college year compared with my high school years.. I DO feel the differences.. I'm not saying about the better one or the opposite..! It's just I don't feel that I have 'companion' at class.. Cuz honestly I can read that some of them feel so uneasy -sometimes- towards me.. Hey guys, we're just the same.. Don't be so uneasy.. It makes me hard to react..and the distance can be deeper.. Oh please help.. (T^T)


When it comes to lovelife, I don't give a damn to those stalkers..! Geez, how I want to feel secure at campus..! "Let me tell ya that I am NOT a fool coz I know exactly what you did behind me EVERYDAY..!!" Please, don't try to match me..coz it looks so FAKE.. Don't push yourself too hard to be the kind I look like or I want..cuz I won't be impressed at all.. Don't waste your time to a girl like me.. You better off stop right now.. YOU hear that..??!!! *sigh* I know it sounds so harsh,, but it's just the way things are.. I don't wanna play about this matter.. The previous thing I've got is a huge scar inside my heart and I was the one to blame.. I do want to have a partner who is meant to be just for me just like the others.. In my deepest thoughts, it's clear enough for me that a hollow inside my heart still remains.. Having a crush on someone is just a part of life cycle, but the true part of having a partner is still a BIG question mark in my head.. It feels like a fissure in my heart.. :(

I know I think too much about things.. Why do I have to bother in the first place..?? Dammit. I can't read my own thoughts.. I just keep everything bottled up inside but actually it's spinning round and round in my head.. Feels like I'm exceeding my real age.. Getting old..? LOL.. :p


The most important thing is about You, God.. I don't want to let You down.. Let my every single step speaks Your name.. I don't want to feel that kind of distance before this Easter.. I'd been reminded by the scripture I got "Psalms 3 : 3".. This personal matter sometimes brags my mind.. How can I'm sure enough that God always has something to do beyond every little thing.. Please let me know if hope does exist, God.. :'( Because You completely know that I'm the one who always doubt about my thoughts and feel sort of self-pity, don't You..?
 
 

Time flies so fast... I couldn't even realize that it's nearly April..
These past few months I'd been stalked by a psycho in my campus.. It pissed me of coz that guy is such a pain in the ass.. *giggle*
But actually, I just don't give a damn about it.. About any other attention-seekers also.. Just stay away from my life..
Though some people kinda pissed me off, but I'd rather keep my mouth shut. I just don't wanna make more mess inside my mind.. keep the bottled-up inside.. hahhaha~


Last week, my mom suddenly got a high-blood pressure.. I was so freak out.. :'(
It scared me all the way through, because you must be know what I was thinking about.. I'm afraid of losing her.. She's the only one I have in this world.. I have no idea what to do without her..
But Thanks God she's just fine right now.. I don't wanna make her worried about me or any other things..
I presume I should handle my own thoughts before telling others about it..


I hadn't been catch-up in K-pop lately.. I think it's already 3 moths I haven't download any..
But just this Sunday I didn't sleep because I watched a dorama entitled Proposal Daisakusen.. It really is a GREAT drama series.. I laughed and cried in every single episode.. It's the best drama I think.. I 'm also surprised because Nodame Cantabile was above of all my favorite dramas.. But now it's in the second place.. I really love the story.. *sigh* I wonder is there any love like that in this very world..???


I lost some weights recently.. I don't know should I happy or sad, because I have a bad stamina lately..
I have no idea about what I'm doing right now, to be honest.. Although I got a bunch of works on my plate to be done soon, it seems I just do them as a routine.. not even more.. I don't have a heart for those things.. It's not about my sincerity or anything else, but it's more like I really have no passion in life right now.. Seriously..
I thought I'm still finding my feet on my way through this university year.. yeah..

I hope I can do batter every single day..
be myself.. :)

I just turned 19 few days ago.. This year's birthday was ummm...unremarkable for me.. honestly...
Like I said before, I have a lot of thoughts rumbling inside my head.. And I ended up become reluctant to think about everything.. Coz I think everything is worthless for me.. Yep. I undergo this kind of sickness again.. *sigh*
But come to think of it, it's not about I don't WANT to think about my life but I don't want to talk much.. I'm done with myself.. After distressed by that egotistical freak, I had reached the condition of being sick listening to all the bullshitting the world.. And the result is I got such an "immunity" to survive in listening to the whole bullshits.. hahaha.. Sounds weird but it's true.. When I found out BS tickling my ears, my head would answer "The hell with it all...!!" But.. I have my own promise to listening to other people stories which contain no bullshits.. BS here I mean something 'smells' cocky and non sense.. Well hello..now it's our time to get real..! Get a life..! I want and I need something real.. Imagination and obsession are good to build our determination to achieve something.. But owh come on... It should be sensible right..?! That's why I was so SICK up to my very last limit on my tolerance with that egotistical freak.. Each person has his/ her own way to adore something or someone..But I'm sure it has something to indulge ourselves in various of ways.. Whether it is in music, arts, creativity expression and so on.. One thing obviously, indulging ourselves doesn't mean that we get a stigma or a label called "FREAK" above or heads as the result.. If sticking with her just made me lose a quality time with my friends and made me lose my mind too, I would rather leave her 'wonderful' world (according to her).. If I have to say yes to everything YES according to her, I would rather get a label stubborn from her and say it out loud NOOOOOOOO~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!That would be a relief..a huge revolution to myself.. I was too naive  when I kept complaining but didn't say it straight up to her face about how irritating this kind of situation is.. I know, I had been wearing bullshit that so proud of it but actually I'm just a pain in the ass for everyone's life..
Facing this fact in my life (in most of the aspects of mine), brought me to the will to learn more about this life.. Yep.. I bring my mouth silence but my eyes wide-opened, my ears sharpness, and my mind clever to observe everything surrounds me.. I'll let my mouth shut when my friends talk and open it when I think I need to say an encouraging feedback..otherwise, I'm gonna just keep it shut. I'm gonna use my voice to sing not to bullshit around..
Now it's my time to step forward.. The last period of being a teenager.. My first step to enter the 'world'.. I don't know it will be a hell or heaven.. But I have a faith for Jesus who always calms my stormy heart.. I wanna end my tough journey to figure out myself.. Live to the fullest..

today is actually not really good or bad for me personally.. Especially the whole family & I were at the Grand Penang restaurant.. It (should be) fun..

What bothers my mind the most..is my mom.. As you can see,,she the only one in this very world that I have.. I care a great deal of her indeed.. It all started when I knew that I'm not better or even equal to my brother in her eyes.. Last month,,when my bro knew his identity,, I think I could understand everything.. Since he didn't seem to mess with me recently.. I think..it should be fine..

But..everything's clear to me when mum said that she didn't MUCH happy when I came into this world. My heart broke into pieces.. I was like nothing but a trash.. She and her acts toward me revealed my hazy mind.. The way she objected my idea.. The way she yelled at me.. The way she treats me.. I'm the only burden in her life..

I knew I'm not that honorable son..
I knew I'm not a depandaple son..
I knew I didn't express my feelings as smoothly as him..
I knew,,mom.. You don't have to tell me that every single day..

I just want you to accept me.. I'm your real child.. I don't ask you to love me more than him.. I just want you to know that I'm timid.. The outcome is always different with my mind.. I love you all my life.. I don't want you to leave me.. I don't want to be alone.. Why do you always put my world instead of him..? I have a life too..
Don't you know how painful it is when you said that I really am your burden..? What do you expect from this pathetic idiot,, mom..?
I wanna disappear..

Whatever she is..she's my mom.. I'll love her forever.. Though I don't know how to show,, I knew deep inside she knows that I love her..

God.. I'm tired of myself.. I'd better shut my ears than listen to those words.. I don't know what You're expecting either, God..
I don't deserve to own this life..
I'm sorry for letting everyone down.. Forgive me of my rotten heart.. Have mercy,, My Lord..

humm.. Honestly,, I don't feel too much excited this year.. I dunno either.. Recently,,everything's coming all around in my head..
Whether it's about mum or love.. Geez.. Though I achieved 3.86 for my first GPA,, I don't feel much spirited or even on fire about all things.. Huaaaaaa~ What the heck is happening to meeee..??


Anyways..
Yesterday was quite good cuz my big family were (finally) together.. It's rare y'know..! But still..I could never let go of one thing.. DISTANCE.. Yep.. There REALLY is a great distance among us.. I'm happy to know that each of us is doing well.. But I' d rather keep silent and watch.. I talked when I thought I need to.. I observed and then I knew that there's uneasy thing which is called money, devides us into several parts.. There are pride,, high expectations,, ambition,, passion,, temptations,, and many more..

I was losing ground.. I ain't teenager but also not an adult yet.. Some of them were talking about career,, marriage,, old-school engagement,, kids,, gadgets,, and so on...

I think.. I knew why I couldn't be even merry in this 'should-and-absolutely-merry' event...
And I think... you've already known why I feel this way.....

It's Gone


I don't know what's come over me
Something's hurt inside
Didn't know what to do
Lonely..

Though I was surrounded by a lot of people..
Still.. I was lonely somehow.
Made me sighed all along
Cried over slightest things..

I was afraid..
Afraid you would see me..
Afraid you wouldn't..
Afraid of how to reach your mind..

But.. I just wasted my time in vain..
You just turn nonchalantly back to them
You never took your eyes off them
It's your world that I couldn't get into..

There's no use for me to hope..
To be in heart-stopping
Or in a blood-pounding
To feel this way from you..


"I didn't exist for you..
My presence didn't affect you.."


I've tried and I'm tired..
Tried to figure out the word "move on" is..
Tired of your act towards myself..
It's clear for me now..

The morning breeze lifted my hair..
The sky was so vast and clear..
The air was passing through my body..
And I found myself fading away as I stepped by..